Temper Tantrums and a Graced Walk

I used to wonder when I would get to that point as a Christian where I would just have the super ability to be gracious in circumstances where I would ordinarily lose my cool. I spent a lot of time fantasizing about how wonderful it would be to attain that permanent and effortless level of self-control that would make me a modern day Mother Teresa. I mean, self-control is afterall a fruit of the Spirit and I had seen Christians who just seemed like they had it down to a T and I really desired that. 

I honestly believed that there was that point of transformation where you just became this whole other person. I would try to console myself by watching Christians who I thought were good Christians still maintain their spicy personalities. I saw how they appeared to switch up more brut ways off telling people off for more polite versions of the same no-nonsense speech. It seemed convenient enough without being sinful and so I started trying to adapt this model of communication but that didn't last very long and boy was I missing the point.

I slowly came to appreciate that it doesn't matter how much fluff or padding you add when you talk to people as long as that speech comes from a place of irritation or impatience. If you are reacting when you are supposed to be exercising patience and grace, however polite it might seem, it's no less Spirit filled than when you just straight up blow up at a person. As a matter of fact it's worse. It's worse because you are somehow able to convince yourself that you are being gracious by giving a person a nicer version of a piece of your mind.  Tomatoes, Tomatos, It's still a piece of your mind. The dangerous thing about giving people a piece of my mind but 'politely' is that it  allowed me pretend to be someone I wasn't with the added danger of believing that lie. I started to think that I was growing and getting better at handling irritation and anger but I wasn't. When this realization really hit home, it was on to trying the next thing.

Step 2 - Try to be long suffering.

Suffice to say this was even more of an epic fail than the first attempt. In a very short amount of time, I had morphed into a passive aggressive person. I buried so much irritation that it started to turn into resentment and then I realized that, that wasn't working either.  As a person, it’s just not in my nature to not be open about things I dislike or behaviour that offends me. When I keep quiet, it tends turn into something much bigger than it really is. Ever heard the Phrase "Trash it or Flush it?" 9 out of 10 times I'm a trash it person. I like to talk about things so they can be resolved. Its how I forgive, let go and genuinely move on. Not talking about things that really offend me even when I think I've let it go, tends to give room for resentment in the near future. I finally realized that what I really needed was balance. 

While it is true that there's bits of who we are that have to go when we start to walk with God, our entire personality is not supposed to be obliterated.

 A couple things I have come to appreciate from this temper Journey is;

1) I will always be passionate about every view point I hold no matter how inconsequential it is. (I'm a natural thespian)

2) I need a way to be vocal about things I don't like (not everytime but sometimes when things cut a little deeper) to forgive and kill any chance of resentment.

A couple things I have come to accept;

1) Short temperedness has no place in my walk with God

2) Neither does having a smart mouth.

After eliminating some more of what didn't work, I decided that what I really needed was a way to be gracious and patient without being irritable all the time. You know the balance I mentioned.

This particular journey also proved stressful and too emotional for me because everytime I messed up the balance and wound up telling anyone off, I would beat myself up for not being kind or gracious. I would be very hard on myself because as far as I was concerned I had been a bad Christian. To me, I had been exactly the kind of Christian that leads non-Christians or sceptics to mock God and it just made me believe that I was terribly failing at this whole Christian thing. Now given that I used to be a rather feisty person (new creation guys), you can imagine how many times a day I was bullying myself for failing at being a "good Christian"

One thing I really wish someone had told me at some point (like any point) in the middle of this moral Christian conundrum was that you never really do get to that point where you have this down to a T. As simplistic as it sounds, the truth is of your own accord, you never really become a model Christian.

If you ask many mature Christians honest enough to share, they will tell you that everytime they start to feel like they have the whole grace thing down, they surprise themselves by a show of complete gracelessness. I've come to appreciate that this is God’s own way of reminding us that every time we start to see ourselves as acting of our own accord, no matter how long we’ve walked with God; in a simple instant, we can go back to being exactly the people we were before the grace of God came and changed us. 

What the Christians who seem to get it right do is that they have mastered the art of walking in Kingdom consciousness. You don't learn to become the perfect Christian. You learn to depend on God for wisdom and grace in every situation. You consult with Him in every circumstance no matter how small or huge. You do this because when you are being led by the Holy Spirit you can never go wrong.

I came to understand that there's no singular template to deal with conflict in every situation outside of prayer and communicating with God. Sometimes, God will have us share your displeasure with wisdom and kindness. Other times God will have us swallow all of it in silence even when we really don't want to and still genuinely forgive. The latter bit is where I think I currently am with God a.k.a letting things slide without having a long speech about it. Needless to say it’s definitely not easy and it's even less fun but this is what God will have me do.

God is still bringing me to the revelation that it was never about getting to that point where you have the whole grace and kindness routine down. It's that through rugged spiritual discipline and prayer, it becomes second nature to you to consult with God and speak to him every step of the way. What this means is even when you are not speaking to God about a specific issue, because you have been spending time with him and fellowshipping with him, you are more aligned with the Holy Spirit and wisdom for situations even without asking is present. This really rings true because in the last month, one of the most agitated I got was on a day where I went about half my day without spending time with God.

In the end, it is that consistent discipline in fellowshipping with God that helps us live daily gracefully and with kindness, like Sons and Daughters of God.