NO MORE MR NICE GUY

There is so much emphasis in our world placed on being nice and niceties in general. I remember that this concept was something that really bothered me at the beginning of my walk with God.If I’m being honest, I couldn’t really picture myself with the necessary plastered smile on my face and cookie cutter mannerisms. Why?  Because I’m just not that girl and I just have a problem in general with being patronized and I do my best not to patronize other people.

So I tried to tell myself the gospel truth (quite literally) which was, "It is not about you". I told myself that it had nothing to do with how I felt about it and everything to do with it God being glorified, so I would take one for the team. 

I mean of course it’s dishonest especially in God’s eyes, do anything on a superficial level. We are supposed to mean the things we do because in the end, we are not judged on our works alone but on how much love we put into it. See this presented a genuine concern for me. How can I be genuinely “Nice” all the time?

The more I studied the word of God, the more I paid attention to and talked to other Christians who were walking with God, the more the realization hit me. Only I couldn’t quite articulate it. 

Then one day, someone finally put it into words for me. I remember speaking to my older sister on the phone about the challenge of really loving people even when you don’t like them and somewhere in that conversation she said it; “We are not called to be nice; we are called to be Kind”. 

I mean really, it was the Holy Spirit speaking through her but there it was. One of the greatest revelations I had received at that time in terms of practically walking with God.

But before we go any further, let’s look at the dictionary definition of nice. 

Oxford Dictionary defines Nice as “Giving pleasure or satisfaction; pleasant or attractive” 
The Cambridge Dictionary defines Nice as “pleasant, enjoyable, or satisfactory”.

The real question for me was pleasurable to whom? I also especially loved the use of satisfactory. Like nice is that thing you do that allows you give yourself a pat on the back and be“Satisfied” with yourself. They are those acts that make you seem a bit more attractive as a person in general.

The more I pondered those words and really thought about it, the clearer the Holy Spirit made it to me. Being nice a lot of times is about doing the appropriate thing or exerting oneself a little more than normal but usually within comfortable boundaries. More importantly, the motivation behind niceties are how we perceive ourselves, how other people perceive us or how we want to be perceived. Whether it’s driving a little further to drop a person off so it won’t be said that you are not a gentleman; or grabbing food for a person because well, it makes you seem more thoughtful and let’s hear it, NICER, niceties are very much about perception and not about love.

 The problem is God isn’t interested in surface level activities. His reach extends far beyond all of those things and His eyes see far deeper than that, right to the very core of who we really are. Even the very people we help and do these things for, wouldn’t be as impressed either if they knew the real motivation behind such actions. So really in the end, the only person you glorify as the official nice guy or  girl is yourself and if there’s one thing we will all come to understand about God is that no flesh will be glorified in His presence. Every work devoid of love is a waste of time and apparently so are niceties done for the sake of being nice.

Now on to what we are actually called to be, Kind. 

Kindness as defined by the Oxford Dictionary “Is the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate”.  Friendliness, generosity and consideration are all things in their pure form that are focused on the recipient.

In Galatians 5:22-23, kindness is listed as one of the fruits of the Spirit and like all the other fruits of the Spirit, kindness is very much about the other person and about God. When we are being Kind,  If we do drive the extra mile to drop a person off and endure a little more traffic than we care for (and it really is ok to be discomforted or to not enjoy the process) it’s because we’ve given actual thought to how much more difficult it would be for that person to navigate their way with public transportation. In kindness, if we decide to grab some food for that colleague, it’s because we’ve taken a moment to actually look at them and see how much work they have and how little time they have to catch a breath, much less eat.  Kindness is about putting love and consideration into practice. It is about doing what you can to the glory of God to make a person’s life a little easier. 

Sometimes, kindness is really a smile, especially in a country like Nigeria where people go through soo much, share so little and are so used to receiving anything but kindness from strangers.  It’s that extra thought that goes into smiling and just saying a good morning. Or the act of genuinely asking a person how they are, to let them know that they are not just another face and someone actually wants to know one thing about them. Kindness is really caring about the welfare and wellbeing of others; it is motivated by love, consideration and a generosity of spirit and has absolutely nothing to do with you. Kindness is very much a heart thing and go figure that it would be what God expects from us because isn’t He always about the heart?

I remember reading in the recent past about a certain young Pilot who died in a plane crash.  He was apparently very well-known and had made a lot of friends and was also very affectionatly mourned. When I was reading some of the farewell messages and listening to stories about him across the board, the testimony of people who had come across him, heard about him & actually knew him was that this young man was kind. Whether it was the emotional investment he made in his relationships. Always taking time out to visit people and catch up on their lives. The extra effort he put into supporting a friend’s career like watching their Tv shows without fail and always giving feedback. Or even the most random acts of kindness, like buying gala for a bus full of strangers. This young man was always said to be doing something to reassure people that they were important, that they were thought about and they were loved.

 I remember reading his story and just thinking Wow! Amazing! And it really made me take a moment and take stock of my life. The truth is we are not all going to become multi-millionaires and have foundations that do global welfare tours and poverty alleviation missions (I mean I will). But even if we are, how many people’s lives on a daily do we emotionally invest in, in your own little way? Whose life do we make a little easier with our words, our actions and the thought we put into relating with them? We could all sit around and wait till we are 40 something year old millionaires to make a difference or we can just start today with the people around us. Because no matter the walk of life we come from, we could all use a little kindness in our daily lives.

If we are all being truthful and hey that's what this space is about, the one thing that holds us back especially as Nigerians is ingratitude. Nobody wants to bend over backwards for an ungrateful person. Another truth though is that if it's really kindness we are focused on, then it may help to know that it really isn’t about us and our many feelings. As harsh as it sounds, it is true. We don't show love and kindness expecting people to retaliate, we do it because this is who we've been called to be.
This reality might make it just a touch easier to ignore people’s reactions. Whether people are being grateful or ungrateful, it shouldn't matter enough to us to affect how we act and treat others because the moment we do that, we've brought things back to the altar of self.

And while i'm being completely honest, I feel like I'm preaching to the choir. As a person, I can barely stop from rolling my eyes in irritation when people don't say please, please excuse me (cause excuse me isn't enough sometimes) and thank you. But I am learning just as much as everyone else.

Don't get me wrong, it is fair enough to dislike ingratitude. It is an absolutely unattractive thing and even God detests ingratitude but He does not stop blessing us even when we are ungrateful. So in the spirit of being like our heavenly Father,we must learn to move past the irritation and stay centered on the why we do the things we do for others  and here's the 'why'.We show kindness and acts of kindness to be Christ’s face here on earth. We are kind to be His reaching hand and gentle touch and every time godly kindness is shown, the presence of God every so subtly manifests in that place. 

So yeah, no more Mr Nice guy, just be Kind.